Sometimes, life is just… not fair 🍋
Its lessons might not be instant 💖 You don’t always have to wait for the lessons to keep on going 🫶🏽
Semenjak aku mulai jadi coach, I think this will be the first time where I will grieve in front of you. Without lesson, without clarity.
Aku pernah sedih dan patah karena hidupku diputar balik sama Semesta beberapa kali selama jadi coach. Aku biasanya muncul dengan insight. Tapi hari ini, let me be vulnerable, bukan supaya kalian kasian sama aku, tapi supaya kalian tau, hidup itu nggak pilih2 saat kasih cobaan. Dan cobaan, rasa sedih, itu bukan berarti kita orang jahat, kita nggak healed enough, we did something wrong. Sometimes life just feels like shit, unfair, and painful.
I lost my photos from 2018-2021. Ini adalah episode healingku (yang mempertemukan aku dengan kalian), I traveled places (Lithuania, Latvia, Polandia, UK, Tanzania, Denmark, Swedia, Swiss, ga inget mana lagi), I started my PhD (dan all of the memories), I moved to Norway, foto2 ini kupakai untuk mengingatkan aku atas pencapaianku. My ADHD means “out of sight out of mind”, I often forgot my achievements when I don’t see them.
Foto2 ini juga kupakai untuk bikin konten buat kalian. Itu sebabnya tiap mau posting, buka camera roll, the pain came back. My best friends rushed to support me last night as they found out I was grieving, I still am. Another important thing is that this means I lost memories of me and my son when he was 3-6 yo. It’s so painful as a mother.
To top all these, this happened because I completely forgot (again, my ADHD), that I had another iPhone I left at my ex-husband’s house and he thought it was harmless to give it to my helper. Yang kemudian anak helperku memutuskan utk menghapus foto2ku. None of these people asked for my permission. And of course I didn’t realise it until it was too late.
Apple Support has helped me in every way they could but my photos, are vanished. They’re not even in the cloud. It feels like there’s a part of me that died last night. Regret, anger, pain.
Three times already I lost my photos. First, my father misplaced all of my childhood photo albums. I have no photos of my childhood except those random photos my aunties keep and sometimes send to family Whatsapp group.
Second, my wedding photos, were lost right after the wedding. And now this. I have yet to understand what God Universe want to teach me.
2018-2021 adalah pivotal moment in my life. 2018-2021 Aprisa was a kind, brave, hurt Aprisa. And I always want to make her happy. Showing her that we did indeed make the right decisions.
Perhaps to live without memories of the past? Perhaps being courageous enough to trust myself even without any proofs if I ever managed to do something? Perhaps to live without the pressure of making the right decisions? Perhaps to create new foundations I can look back at? ❤️🩹 I have no idea.
Nevertheless, just as the Star card that shows up after the Tower, I will keep on showing up. Hope is never gone. New beginning is imminent. Sometimes you gotta destroy to rebuild, even with a stain of sadness. I hope at least you learned something today, get inspired or something from this story, so at least I can tell God that hey, thanks for the pain. If I can’t learn the lesson today, I hope it helps someone else 🫶🏽
(Typed this on my Instagram stories and posting it here now. Best friends, thank you, I love you. Readers, thank you, I love you.)
💖🍋